Letter to myself: pre-Costa Rica

The following is a letter I wrote to myself during orientation with FrancisCorps.  Bro. Jim gave it to us tonight during the first part of our reorientation retreat together.  It was while we were still in the states and I hadn't touched Costa Rica soil yet:

Friday, Aug. 27, 2010
[On the porch of the Jersey Shore House]

Dear Matt,

There are too many things to say, so many blog entries have escaped you, and probably won't ever get written down, but this is your chance for awhile.

Probably your biggest take-away so far is the concept of letting go, and let things happen naturally by letting God work through our lives.  Tim's words were right on: it's no longer about my desires God, but Your desires.  So much more easier said than done, and scary to do.  But it's the answer.  For me it means letting go of Mimi, and especially "the plan."  Don't let "the plan" and your desire to be a father and have a family influence you.  Let it be, and don't force anything.  Try everything.  Be open, especially to the scary.  Remember, it's what God wants, right?  And you can't fail doing his work.

Right now you're biggest fear is not being able to talk and understand the Spanish when I get down there.  I do feel like a weak speaker compared to everyone else here.  But remember Liz's words: "smile, and don't be afraid to look like a (fool)."  Pray for patience and humility, remember?

At this point, I feel very much like a comfortable person and who I want to be.  People think I'm funny, and I'm not hiding anything.  I'm just being me and letting them accept me.  It's amazing, Matt.  You are loved.  Continue to stay true to who you are.

Your boy,
Matt

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It's funny, five months later, these are all things I'm addressing now, but now in much different lights.  Letting go of the plan has taken me all four months of last semester until I finally did with seeing Mimi back at CUA during break.  We let go of each other once and for all and aren't talking anymore, letting go of "the plan", and it's refreshing that I've gotten to relieve myself of that sadness and burdening expectation of myself.

As for the Spanish fear, it took time and confidence growing to relieve a lot of that.  Going back home has given me a boost and confidence I needed to come back and I'm ready more than ever.  I'm even coming back wearing shirt and ties so I have the look good, feel good mentality.  I can't wait to see my students with my new found confidence once again.

Be true to who I am.  I talked to a priest friend of mine over break and he told me, "At the end of the day, you have to admit, 'This is who I am.'"  Being back home has reminded me who I am.  I am a family father and young man at heart, and I believe in solidarity and sharing our struggles and joys with each other.  As I talked to Fr. Mike, I felt the strong urge and reminder that I'm just called to walk through life and share the follies, fun, and faith of it all.  I'm called to be me.  I'm called to be Mateo  I'm called to be Matt Aujero.

I'm called to be Catholic, Filipino, and well, ridiculous.

Amén.