"Why am I?" and why I write about porn (and anything else)

The big question.

Ever asked yourself the question, "Why am I?"

I think about my principal who kept our school alive because Catholic education made him who he is.
I think about a friend who was a director of youth ministry and says he does it out of gratitude, to give back because he was given so much.

"Why am I?" 

I think about how I was brought up, who I was, who I became, and how much more I love myself now.

"Why am I?"

Why do I care so much about men becoming the best versions of themselves and why do I care so much about fatherhood?

"Why am I?"

OK, here we go.  Are you/am I ready for this?

Before college I didn't have many guy friends.  Actually, I can name you one guy friend I had.  Sam and I played basketball frequently and talked trash about our Duke and UNC teams all the time and his family was like my second family growing up.

Best movie I never saw entirely.

But other than that, my life---full of girls. Since sending notes across the playground in 5th grade to having my first kiss session in 7th grade to the movie the "Wedding Planner", (every time I see that movie, there's always a middle section I don't remember, and I remember why).  After her there was always the next girl, and the next girl, then the next.  Let's put it this way, two years ago when I was single in Costa Rica, I experienced my first Valentine's Day as a single man for the first time since 6th grade.  Before that year I had a life when when I was in relationships longer than I was single. And I'm not saying that proudly.  (Though, I'm convinced I did well with the ladies because I had that "exotic-I'm-Filipino" thing going for me.  Isn't "date-a-minority" on every white girl's check-off list?)

Even my best friends in high school were girls.  God bless my youth group buddies Sarah and Bridget and our late nights getting ice cream, sitting on the church parking lot talking about life.  I remember going on a road trip with my youth group and it didn't bother me that it was just me and 13 other girls, until we shared the same big room for one of our stays and I was the last to use the shower one morning---still scarred from the wolverine that shed its hair on the shower walls that looked more brunette and blonde than tile.

That's not me, but it definitely was at one time.

I was that girlfriend guy.  I dated one girl in high school for two and half years.  She was my life as we ate lunch and hung out after school almost every day.  We were homecoming court, prom court, we lived a pretty good life.  At the time, I felt I had everything a guy could ever want.

It wasn't until college when I was opened up to the concept of brotherhood, fraternal connection between a guy and another guy.  To this day I still attribute three brotherhood moments that have changed my life ever since: 1.) the chastity talk at freshmen retreat where I saw all these upperclassmen who I looked up to tell us that they were waiting to have sex until marriage. 2.) the late night into sunrise talk with then-friend, now best brother Anthony Rennekamp and his question to me, "If you know that's the guy you want to be, why wait?"  3.) Joining the brotherhood "Esto Vir", Latin for "Be a Man", and recognizing that there were many guys like me, struggling with the same sins, but wanted to be different about them.  

At CUA, it was the gift of fraternal friendship that I had never had before.  It has shaped me into the better, stronger, man I want to be today.

The book I still read today.

Reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge the summer after junior year also changed my life.  It connected the dots for me how important fatherhood is and how many people suffer because of the lack of father they had.  Seeing this first hand in the girls I've dated, how much a void is in their hearts because of a lack of love from their fathers, has also affected me.  I decided to write about fatherhood in my senior research paper and I found out that the common denominator among teenage delinquency, teenage drug abuse, teenage violence, teenage pregnancy, teenage suicide, and more wasn't race or socio-economic status, it was fatherless homes.

Now before I go more into men stuff, I can't deny how important women are.  We take for granted how amazing our mothers are.  I don't know anyone who resents their mother and isn't grateful for them.  To quote Mimi's and my NFP instructor, I believe that the standard of society is directly correlated to the standard women hold.  Lay the bar low and men will walk all over you.  Put the bar high and we will climb the tower for you.

But I had a reflection the other week.  Even the girls I know who lacked a true father are still vibrant, pure women today, but I believe it's because they got that from their mothers.  Has anyone noticed that it's not typically the same for their brothers?  As daughters get that special something they can only get from their mother, sons need something that can only come from their fathers, despite how great their mothers were.  On the flip side, the guys I know who have most of their (crap) together (no guy has all of it down) are the ones who have great dads who were involved in their lives.

Why "Boyz 2 Men" was just a 90's
group name, and not a reality today.

Another book that has changed my perspective is Dr. Leonard Sax's Boys' Adrift which explains from a doctor's point of view why there are so many 20-something guys still living with their parents, who still don't know what they want to do with their lives, and who haven't quite found their way.  It's complicated as he references the education system, ADHD medicine, video games, pornography, the feminist movement, the water, and more to why Joe Smoes out there are Joe "I'm-trying-to-figure-out-my-life".  Shoot, even I'm still trying to figure out my life and what I'm called to do in a small way.

So why do I write about the things I write about?  I ask the "What-if?" question.  What if every man (and woman, for that matter) lived a life up to their full potential?  I like the way John Eldredge puts it, what if every man lived a life that was passionate, alive, and dangerous.
What if?  I believe if that happened, we'd have stronger fathers, and if we had stronger fathers we'll have less broken voids that come from a fatherless life, and in return stronger, happier families, and with families living like this, imagine who we all can be for each other in our communities and in society.  Wouldn't we want this for our children?

So, why do I write about porn? Because I believe it's one of the biggest things that inhibits guys to living up to their full potential. If any guy is truly honest with himself and he tries to imagine the best version of himself, pornography is not in that equation.  So I write about it because I believe what every guy needs is another guy to tell him, "Hey, I've been there, too."  Not answers, not revelations, not even off-handed bible passages.

Humility beacons humility. Iron sharpens iron.  And men can learn to be courageous only after doing something courageous.

But we all need a hand.

Amén.