|What it comes down to|
Between me and you
These past couple of years have been pretty special between us, haven’t they? As I have gotten to knowmyself better, I have started to get to know you better, how much you love me, how much I love you, and how all of it has opened my eyes.
Remember summer of junior year, when we were writing to each other? I remember being afraid of your love, knowing that what I was feeling this time between me and you was different, and afraid of what you might really think of me. I remember reading for the first time on paper your words, “I love you, Matt” and it was the first time you had told me that, or really the first time I was open to let you tell me that. It struck me, in shock almost. Wow…you love me. You really do love me.
Remember that Valentine’s Day later when we finally got to be alone after not seeing each other all day. I lit some candles, and I took out my guitar and played for both of us in silence. Something was very different about that day, as I was gaining the courage to say something to you I hadn’t ever said yet out loud. Finally near the end of my playing, with my eyes closed, feeling my heart beat against my chest, I whispered, “I love you” and it was the first time I ever told you that from my mouth, for the whole world to hear. It was the first powerful moment when I realized that our relationship can be intimate, and intimate to a level I’ve never experienced before.
And now recently earlier this week, remember our time sitting together in the chapel? I told you about how frustrated I am that I’m not living up to the man that I want to be for you. But you were so comforting. On my paper, you wrote me, “You’re my Matt.” It touched me like nothing else has touched me before. It was so personal. I repeated in my head, “My Matt… my Matt… my Matt” It was like this overwhelming blanket of love was covering and comforting me with its warmth and gentleness. “I’m your Matt, I’m yours,” I kept saying. And then you said, “You’re my love. You’re my man. You’re my Matt.” And it was the first time you said it to me like that, and maybe it’s because it’s the first time I let you say it to me like that. It was like again our relationship got to another level, another personal and intimate level I had never thought possible.
I’m starting to get really excited about what’s to come between us for the rest of my life. I anticipate something amazing. Everything is possible when I’m near and safe in your love. I’m sorry for all the times I ever take that for granted or forget to tell you how much you mean to me. You've always been so good to me. May I be good back to you.
God, I love you. And I mean that. God, my Father, my one true love in my life ---I love you with all my heart. I thank you for these moments. The moments I wrote your words the summer of junior year, the moment you listened to me on Valentine's Day when I thought I didn't have a Valentine that day, and the moment in the chapel as I stared at you on the altar, and wrote your words in my journal. Thank you for loving me. And I guess you’ve loved me my entire life. So I thank you for giving me the opportunity to really get to love you back and feel your love now.