Fight the New Drug

Fight the New Drug Video: My porn recovery story

***To see my featured talk "How Love Defeats Porn" given at the Catholic Information Center in Washington, D.C. click here. ***

Saturday, August 3, 2013

The Greatest Gift I Could Give Her

My gift all along
It’s 2 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 3, and it’s exactly a week to the hour until Mimi’s and my wedding.  With that said, it’s also a week until we consummate our marriage.  Today at Mass I realized what my greatest gift to her then will be---a pure self: free from sex, free from pornography, and now recently, free from masturbation.

Having experienced all three, I cannot begin to explain how much of a stronger, better and happier man I am when I have let go of each.  I cannot begin to explain how freeing it is to love someone when you’ve mutually decided to keep sex out of your relationship before marriage.  I cannot begin to express how free my eyes feel after having not looked at pornography for some time, how it has allowed me to see Mimi (and other women, for that matter) for her true beauty, and how there’s an almost guaranteed assurance that I won’t be thinking about any other woman than my bride when next week comes.  Lastly, I cannot begin to explain how free my mind feels with the act of masturbation out of my life.  I have surprisingly noticed a distinct difference in myself since I let that go a couple months ago---I’m more patient, I’m more relaxed, I’m more joyful, my mind feels lighter and clearer as well as my conscience. 

I write this post because when we think about chastity we often think about the things we cannot have, the pleasures we think we are entitled to and deserve.  I used to think the same way, but having experienced both sides of the coin, I cannot begin to explain how much happier I am on this side.  I write this post because I want us to begin to anticipate what we could have, a life we can’t even imagine unless we’ve tried it for ourselves.

I will not say that this path is easy nor will I take 100% or even 10% of the credit to get here so far.  My decision to wait again until marriage seven years ago was solely due to realizing that there are real men who do care about waiting.  Habitual watching of pornography left my life three years ago after I read that watching enough of it leads to erectile dysfunction for young guys who later become active with real women.  And recently masturbation left my life a couple months ago when I really started praying for Mimi, and she started praying for me, and the combination of the two gave me the grace to let it go once and for all.

In my broken past, I have found healing, and through my healing I’ve found strength.  And a week from now, I get to bring that strength to my bride, to make love in the context of marriage that is natural and says I-give-you-the-best-version-of-myself.  It will be incredibly beautiful, a love like no other.  It will be the best I’ve ever had because it’s the only one I’ve had in a long time through my body, eyes, and mind.  It will be the greatest gift I could give her.



  1. You are the man, my brother. I couldn't be happier for you in this moment, and look up to your discipline with constant admiration and inspiration.

    - Ben

    1. Thanks brother. Really though, all through the grace of God and prayers from others.

  2. Thank you for your honesty about your path towards God. It is so refreshing to see a man who will so openly talk about his struggles and also be a role model for those still struggling. Thank you for not being silent about this when so many people feel so alone in their temptation of sexual impurity. You have brought this to light and many will be inspired, do the same, and be healed. You rock brother!

    1. Thank you, it's all through the grace of the Holy Spirit. Let's all fight the good fight together and keep shining the light on the taboo darkness.