Dear Matt,
I recently came across your post on your blog about pornography and saw in the comments that you were looking for some women's feedback who've dealt with this issue in their relationships. I discovered my now husband was addicted when we had been dating six months and as hard as that was, I think it was God's grace in his life because he had to start facing the problem (which he wanted to be gone) or lose me. We broke up over it at one point. Even though he has been "sober" for maybe a year, I'm still very scarred by it - to discover his addiction was like discovering I had been cheated on, its still a battle sometimes to trust him. I'm so grateful however, that he has found some healing and a lot of that, I think was due to his ability to admit to himself and to others that he is weak. In my opinion that makes him strong. We've been married almost a year and we are now looking forward to the birth of our first child. I hope men realize that if they really tackle this struggle it will make them stronger men for themselves, for their wives and for their family. I know my son should be proud to have my husband as a father.
She then shared me something she wrote for another occasion. I believe it to have a powerful message of humility, healing, and hope for both men and women:
"As
human beings, we naturally shy away from pain. And let me tell you, discovering
that your husband,
fiancée or boyfriend is struggling with pornography is painful. It hurts
because you feel betrayed, it hurts
because he is looking at others instead of you, it hurts because you don’t know
if he can heal. Yet, I know the
power of suffering. Christ suffered on the Cross so that we might be saved. By facing pain instead of
avoiding it, it is possible to find hope and healing. It is for that reason
that I encourage you to face the
pain of your loved one’s struggles with pornography.
Do you
know that 95% of men who seek healing from viewing pornography do so because
they were
discovered by their wife or girlfriend? My husband is part of that majority.
While we were dating, I found
files on his computer that I immediately wished I could have unseen. I reacted
in shock with numbness to the discovery
that the man I hoped to marry was being affectionate to me in one minute, and looking at these
images and videos in the next.
Should
I ignore it? Should I confront him? Should we break up?
Within
minutes I sent him a message telling him we needed to talk – he knew instantly
what I had
found. That conversation we had that day was one of the most painful, but also
the most honest, ones we’ve ever had.
While I was hurting, I also saw more clearly the man who I loved. He was
hurting too, wounded by
temptations of the flesh – so easily accessible online – and had been wounded
since he was a young teenager. I
was blessed because he saw the danger this habit posed to our relationship and to himself; he wanted to
change.
It
wasn’t easy for us to have an open dialogue about this issue and to rebuild a
trust that I felt was
broken. And I won’t tell you that the habit went away overnight. He first tried
to conquer this temptation through his
own will power and through regularly attending the Sacrament of Confession. We also tried to pray regularly as a couple, particularly for
purity.
Yet, in
his case, the struggle had gone on for so long that he needed extra support to
live the life that he
wanted to live. I have to tell you that I’ve never been so proud of my now
husband as I was when he faced these
weaknesses, when he invited me to share in his healing. He explored past hurts with a Catholic
counselor, he sought out spiritual advice from a priest and we put a filter on
his computer that moved from
his bedroom to a more public space. (On a side note, people may think they don’t need a filter, but
there is no reason not to guard your family and your home. If temptation
strikes, it is important not to
have occasions of sin easily on hand). Finally, he started attending a men’s
group where he found support
and accountability among others who struggled.
This
has been a difficult road for me as well. It is never simply “his problem” it
is something that affects
both of you and your family. Through his healing, and mine as well, I believe
we have become a stronger couple. We’ve
realized that change is possible, healing is possible and purity is available
for all
who
seek God’s help. However, it is a constant struggle and probably always will
be. This Cross is one that we
constantly have to admit our weakness in front of and accept God’s help."
---
Wow. If there are any other women (and men for that matter) who want to share more of their stories, definitely feel free to be as courageous as this woman and e-mail me at mattaujero@gmail.com so we can reach more and more people who need it, including ourselves.
Amén.
Matt, and all -
ReplyDeleteCheck out this powerful ministry run by a classmate of mine from the JPII. It is awesome that his ministry is dedicated to focusing on this exact issue! He is a solid guy and worth contacting.
http://www.freedom-coaching.net/
(He tells a little about himself and his own journey under "about" and "meet the coach".)
Getting help is not easy - but ALL fears are made small when brought into the light! It is the most courageous move you can make!
Kudos again for the ministry, Matt.