Fight the New Drug

Fight the New Drug Video: My porn recovery story

***To see my featured talk "How Love Defeats Porn" given at the Catholic Information Center in Washington, D.C. click here. ***

Friday, December 20, 2019

Why I believe in the Fight: One Day in the Battle

Why I believe in the Fight: it’s a sustainable way of life.

Yesterday I went into the office and there’s literally no one there. No students, no staff, just me. With no immediate accountability and no urgent (but important) deadline work to do, I found myself wandering the Internet eventually in my work time.

“OK, Matt, you’ve been here before.”

Scripture comes to mind.
“Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

When I know I’m in a spot like this, the first part of my “Yes” Battle Plan is to get up and pray. Luckily, it’s coming up around noon so I go to Mass at St. Mark’s. I don’t particularly feel like it that day and there’s voices to stay so I can “get work done” or “you’ve already wasted time, waste some more time” or “you’re not going to be able to focus at Mass anyway, now that’s a waste of your time…”

I go to Mass. One voice was right, I wasn’t able to focus at all. But I remind myself Frob’s words that “it’s not about feeling”. Sometimes it’s just about getting your body there, feel the effects later.

Still after Mass, voice is saying, “Go get something to eat, you deserve it.” A piece of me wants to go get some campechano tacos at that place Keane and I went the night before. I’m also aware that getting something heavy to eat like that in the middle of the day is another way of throwing in the towel and exasperating the “let’s just waste the day away” mentality.

Upon exiting, I look right down the hill to the adoration chapel. Another voice, “Go ask Mary what to do.”

Key: I don’t really want to go. Other days that’s not true but not that day. I force my body to go anyway despite that feeling. In the struggle, I know I have to exert more energy than usual to achieve victory.

I slip in adoration and take out my Mary book I’ve been reading/praying with. Then I ask, “OK, Mary, what do you want me to do? What does your son (as I look at the Eucharist) want me to do?”A lyric from Frozen 2 because I’m a dad of girls comes to mind: “Do the next right thing.” Another reminder of my battle plan: do one small victory/task. That always helps me get back on the horse. My Why returns. I know if I finish with a wasted day, my disposition will prevent me from being fully present and loving to Mimi and the kids when I get home. I need to fight for them.

What that means to me: going back to the CSC, making the soup I had planned, and choosing one small task. 

After lunch, I also texted my accountability partner, one of my best friends Anthony. “Prayers for focus.” He knows the drill. An eventual text back: “Got it.”

The task I chose was adding Noah V to the GroupMe. I did exactly that. I went to a meeting with Ann, got back on the horse, and finished my day strong. The beginning stirrings of a storm earlier that day has calmed down to tranquil waters. I went home able to look into the eyes of my family with love and fervor.

Prayer. Accountability. Mary (this time, not with the rosary). Yes Battle Plan. All needed to get me through the day. 

Why I believe in the fight: it’s a sustainable way of life not just for lust, but for anything we’re battling. 

But by the grace of God go I. Feel free to share your own victory stories on here, too!

Let’s fight brothers!

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